Gvidas (his name is changed to protect his identity) is a working student who lives on his own. He says that now he is happy with his life. He lives with his friends and feels joy every day. But in his past there is a story, which is only known among a few of his friends. Not many people in our society talk about those sorts of things. This is an untold truth and today I will be the voice of it.
When Gvidas was only six or seven years old he suffered sexual assault. At this age boys only care about games and mischief, but he experienced something else. It all began when his dad started to go to the gym with his friends to play basketball once a week. He was bringing Gvidas and his cousins along. While his dad was practicing, the boys played games of catch or hide and seek. Gvidas played the games with same age and older cousins who are brothers. The oldest cousin was 7 years older than Gvidas and he always composed opportunities for them to just stay alone together. While the younger brother was trying to find them, the older one “played” adult games with Gvidas. The most memorable incident was when Gvidas and his older cousin hid in a girls’ bathroom. In there the older cousin started to touch Gvidas in inappropriate, sexual areas. He made Gvidas to do the same and not only with his hands but with his mouth too. He always laughed and repeated, “Do you like it? I know you do.” “Don’t pretend that you don’t like this, I can feel it,” and other similar phrases.
At that time Gvidas did not realize what was happening. He said that he felt pleasure, but he did not know what that meant. Of course, there were a few times when he didn’t want to go with his dad because he felt that something was wrong but at the same time he truly knew that he should not mention this to anybody. His cousin never ordered him to stay quiet, but he just felt that this was the right thing to do. This happened frequently, every time they were at the gym and once when Gvidas was at his house. That cousin did not care that Gvidas’s parents were down stairs at the same time or that his younger brother was playing computer games in the other room. Sexual assaults like this lasted for about a year.
After that year Gvidas’s dad stopped going to the gym and everything just ended. But then Gvidas started to grow up and mature. At one point he realized that everything that had happened with his cousin was not right or normal. Gvidas’s friends started to talk about first crushes, first loves. Boys were telling stories about girls they liked and girls about boys. This made Gvidas confused because he did not know what he liked. Because in our society it is normal that boys like girls and girls like boys but all the memories and experiences that Gvidas had were with a boy. “Is this normal? Maybe I like boys? What is wrong with me? Maybe I like boys, but how I should say this to my parents. But I don’t really know what I like.” These thoughts always repeated in his head and it made him feel crazy, useless and unwanted. It made him think about committing suicide.
This self-torture lasted for about three years. He tried to get some help - went to a psychologist, but he was never brave enough to tell her his story. Gvidas talked about other things but not about that topic, even though it was the most important issue. During adolescence, Gvidas hated his cousin the most. He did not even want to become friends with other boys. Gvidas says that his cousin almost destroyed his whole life and even now Gvidas does not know what he likes. He says that in terms of finding love he is focusing on a personality and not a gender. He tries to become friends with other guys but it is still really hard for him. Now Gvidas has a hard time not only trusting guys but also trusting new people in his life. Gvidas became so vulnerable and sensitive. One time Gvidas tried to tell his story to one of his friends. He opened his heart but that person just said: “Let’s talk about this later, ok?” This made Gvidas feel even more insecure about this story. He never told this to his parents because when he was younger he thought that this is not relevant and now he is not speaking about that because he just does not want to ruin his family bonds.
Gvidas tried to tell his story again but this time he told this for a very attentive, tender person, who made Gvidas feel that he has someone who cares about him. This was Gvidas’s breaking point. He started to be more confident, more open with people and even Gvidas agrees that nothing is perfect now and he is still confused, but he feels happier and his advice for others, who have been through the same is: “Talk about this, it helps. Just find the correct person and tell him everyting,”
When Gvidas was only six or seven years old he suffered sexual assault. At this age boys only care about games and mischief, but he experienced something else. It all began when his dad started to go to the gym with his friends to play basketball once a week. He was bringing Gvidas and his cousins along. While his dad was practicing, the boys played games of catch or hide and seek. Gvidas played the games with same age and older cousins who are brothers. The oldest cousin was 7 years older than Gvidas and he always composed opportunities for them to just stay alone together. While the younger brother was trying to find them, the older one “played” adult games with Gvidas. The most memorable incident was when Gvidas and his older cousin hid in a girls’ bathroom. In there the older cousin started to touch Gvidas in inappropriate, sexual areas. He made Gvidas to do the same and not only with his hands but with his mouth too. He always laughed and repeated, “Do you like it? I know you do.” “Don’t pretend that you don’t like this, I can feel it,” and other similar phrases.
At that time Gvidas did not realize what was happening. He said that he felt pleasure, but he did not know what that meant. Of course, there were a few times when he didn’t want to go with his dad because he felt that something was wrong but at the same time he truly knew that he should not mention this to anybody. His cousin never ordered him to stay quiet, but he just felt that this was the right thing to do. This happened frequently, every time they were at the gym and once when Gvidas was at his house. That cousin did not care that Gvidas’s parents were down stairs at the same time or that his younger brother was playing computer games in the other room. Sexual assaults like this lasted for about a year.
After that year Gvidas’s dad stopped going to the gym and everything just ended. But then Gvidas started to grow up and mature. At one point he realized that everything that had happened with his cousin was not right or normal. Gvidas’s friends started to talk about first crushes, first loves. Boys were telling stories about girls they liked and girls about boys. This made Gvidas confused because he did not know what he liked. Because in our society it is normal that boys like girls and girls like boys but all the memories and experiences that Gvidas had were with a boy. “Is this normal? Maybe I like boys? What is wrong with me? Maybe I like boys, but how I should say this to my parents. But I don’t really know what I like.” These thoughts always repeated in his head and it made him feel crazy, useless and unwanted. It made him think about committing suicide.
This self-torture lasted for about three years. He tried to get some help - went to a psychologist, but he was never brave enough to tell her his story. Gvidas talked about other things but not about that topic, even though it was the most important issue. During adolescence, Gvidas hated his cousin the most. He did not even want to become friends with other boys. Gvidas says that his cousin almost destroyed his whole life and even now Gvidas does not know what he likes. He says that in terms of finding love he is focusing on a personality and not a gender. He tries to become friends with other guys but it is still really hard for him. Now Gvidas has a hard time not only trusting guys but also trusting new people in his life. Gvidas became so vulnerable and sensitive. One time Gvidas tried to tell his story to one of his friends. He opened his heart but that person just said: “Let’s talk about this later, ok?” This made Gvidas feel even more insecure about this story. He never told this to his parents because when he was younger he thought that this is not relevant and now he is not speaking about that because he just does not want to ruin his family bonds.
Gvidas tried to tell his story again but this time he told this for a very attentive, tender person, who made Gvidas feel that he has someone who cares about him. This was Gvidas’s breaking point. He started to be more confident, more open with people and even Gvidas agrees that nothing is perfect now and he is still confused, but he feels happier and his advice for others, who have been through the same is: “Talk about this, it helps. Just find the correct person and tell him everyting,”